It was a normal day in Felton College. At a quarter past twelve, the swarms of students came down and invaded the refectory, packing ii to its capacity. Included in this mass of food chomping learners was the main character of our story. It was The Crumb King!
The Crumb King sat in with group of three. Around him, people were eating their food. Sian was eating an egg sandwich, Jojoe was chomping away at a muffin and Lunny was really enjoying the salad that his mum had prepared for him and put in a cute little Tuppaware dish. The Crumb King himself was pigging out on a packet of salt and vinegar Walker's.
Now, all of this eating of quite crumbly food (except for the salad, of course) was creating quite a bombardment of crumbs on the floor. The King himself was increasing the amount of crumbs falling by making sure that he didn't close his mouth upon crunching his potato crisps and also “"accidentally" crushing crisps with his fingers while handling them. There is nothing unusual about crumbs falling on the floor. But, around the particular vicinity of The Crumb King, crumbs didn't just fall.
Around The Crumb King, below all of the chatter and mindless drivel, the worries and joys, the woes and the happiness, the perturbances and the frivolity, and I think that you get the point, something different happened to those crumbs which were of a great enough mass. These crumbs, who's mass is large enough, come under the influences of a strange field that is emitted by and surrounds The King. Most of the people at Felton College are not aware of what walks among them (the rest don't care). And what that is is a mutant, an oddity, a genetic and biological mishap; it is The Crumb King.
I could go into the way in which the iron in The King's bones formed in a way that channels wavicles with a so far unknown (apart from to us) particle spin of 4 and how these effect particular particles of spin ½, the only occurrences of which are in clusters of matter within a specific mass range (roughly the mass of a large crumb) but you'd probably not be interested, so I will go on. This odd field has the effect of suddenly blessing crumbs with an awareness of their existence. One second they are inanimate dead plants mixed with chemicals and flavours and what-have-you-not, not even capable of awareness and the next second they're thinking about how they came to be and where they are and what their purpose is. It is then they find that they can feel what they should do, that they should follow the instructions given to them by this great hulking thing above them going by the name The Crumb King. Wow, you may say Mr(s) reader, that really is amazing – and I must admit that I find it amazing as well!
So, below the table of students all eating their food and dropping their crumbs, these crumbs are becoming aware and are being focused on what they are to do by The Crumb King. What, then are they being told? Here is where we will join our group of students in their escapades.
"Are you coming tomorrow then, or what?" asked Zed.
"I don't know; who's going to be there?" replied Lunny. He was leant back over his fixed table seat, talking to Zed who was on the table behind.
"Everyone."
“"Everyone' always goes but then only about three people turn up," said Lunny, "if Annie's going to be there then I guess that I should go."
"Well I don't know about Annie," said Zed. "Charlie is talking to the floor again." Zed was looking at Charlie over the table.
"I don't care about Charlie," replied Lunny but looked around anyway. "What is he saying?"
"I don't know. You're the one with the deaf brother, if any one's going to be reading lips it's going to be you." Both Zed's and Lunny's voices had turned to a whisper by now. They were both looking at The King. From what they could see he was looking between his legs below the table and talking quietly to the ground between his feet. This being not out of place in The King's usual repertoire of behaviour, the pair turned around and continued their conversation.
"Alright then, I guess I'll go. Can I crash at your place?"
"Yeah, but Pilly and Harlate are staying as well" Said Zed.
"Cool, you can shag Harlate and I'll take Pilly" said Lunny, smiling.
"From behind?" questioned Zed and they both laughed. Then they looked at Charlie again and stopped laughing. The King was staring at something behind them with a look of pure hatred on his face. His nostrils were flared, eyes nothing but slits, his beard almost standing on end trying to emit hate. The pair looked around and saw the college's smooth security geezer at the vending machine, newly purchased Twix in one hand, walkie-talkie radio in the other. He turned and as he did so, a flash of similar hatred came across his face, his eyes lids tightening just for a moment as his eyes came to The King and left again. He walked off, opening his Twix as he went. Lunny and Zed turned back to Charlie who simply looked in disdain at the space the security geezer had stood in. His hands were crushing his packet of crisps, his Five Knuckles white (yes, the knuckle on his thumb was white as well, ok?)
"Careful, Charlie, you'll turn your crisps into crumbs" said Lunny. The King turned his glare to Lunny, seemingly angered by the statement.
"Don't.. knock.. the crumbs" he said through pursed lips, "you understand?" Lunny and Zed glanced at each other, both wondering what the hell Charlie was on.
"Uh.. yeah," said Lunny. The King reached under his baggy coat collar and pulled out a pair of old and well sellotaped-together headphones. He popped them on, reached into his pocket and the tinny sound of Korn followed. He lowered his gaze, eventually and went back to shovelling his (even more) crumb-covered crisps into his mouth. "What a dick," whispered Lunny.
"Yep." said Zed
Later that day, when all the students had finished their lectures and made their way home, the whine of a vacuum cleaner came rushing through the Refectory. At the same moment, if anyone had been there, they would have seen the carpet starting to move around below them and, on closer inspection, innumerable crumbs rolling over themselves in a desperate attempt to get to safety. Many crumbs of larger sizes helped along the littler ones whose diameter hindered their speedy escape. Once through the gaps under doors and holes in window frames, they all knew where they were rolling; where they were needed, and they all knew that when they got there, the King would be most pleased with them as they had been promised.
In the evening, the King stood in his bedroom. The room had clothing, CD cases and such strewn about in a mindless way, with some T shirts, boxer shorts and pairs of jeans in such strange places, such as atop the large wardrobe as to make one wonder how they arrived there. A large television with a video recorder underneath stood opposite the bed which was clothed with a Star Wars quilt cover and pillow case. The King stood next to his bed, with a desk on the other side upon which a computer monitor stood, along with keyboard and mouse. And the floor. The floor was covered in crumbs. Even on the various mounds of clothing there lay hundreds of crumbs. At this time all of them were still, as if attentively listening to the words the King lay before them:
"My dear crumbs, the time is near. My power is growing beyond anything we could have imagined. Tomorrow night, the final moment will arise. The moment we have been waiting for for so long. Bless the Korn and the Cruche de la Biére for it is they who have given me the power and they shall be remembered. We will soon have the final resonance to allow me to pull you from the depths and into the face of the world! And then, then, my crumbs, the world will know our wrath! The vacuum cleaners, brooms and dust-pans will burn so fiercely the flames will be seen for miles! And the operators, the cleaners and house wives, the manufacturers and salesmen, they will all know our wrath! Muahahahahaha!" The King threw his head back, hands high as he let out a maniacal laugh, below which a very quiet hiss teetered on the edge of hearing as the crumbs.. applauded.
Late the next afternoon, Lunny, Zed, Harlate and Pilly were lounging about in Zed's bedroom in anticipation for their Friday night out at the Cruche de la Biére. Voodoo Glow Skulls played away on the small Hi-Fi as they talked.
"So is Annie going, Lunny?" asked Zed.
"Yeah, she's crashing at Jake's with Sian." said Lunny.
"Ah, so you'll be turfing them out then, eh?" said Zed, grinning.
"Hah, I wish," said Lunny.
"Oh Lunnnyy," said Pilly, "just ask her out."
"Mmm," he replied, and then after a moment, "I saw the security geezer and the physics techie bloke having this big argument in the physics lab today."
"Oh, yeah, and what were you doing in the science building, eh?" said Zed, "Waiting for Annie?"
"May be."
"Lunny, man, just do what Pilly said, ask her out."
"She asked me to wait for her, OK, she didn't want to catch the bus by herself."
"There you are then," said Zed.
"Anyway, the security geezer, ever since he tried to get Charlie kicked out for not having his ID card on him, he's been hanging around the science building loads." said Lunny.
"So? He's fucking wierd. And Charlie. I don't why they seem to hate each other, perhaps it's a clash of wierdness," said Zed, grinning again.
"Yeah, may be."
"Um.. what time are we meeting them?" said Harlotte.
"Eight" said Lunny
"Come on then," said Zed, "we'd better get to the bus stop."
It was three hours later inside the night club that the Bristle "alternative" scene spent most of its time, and for that matter money, the Cruche de la Biére. The club was quite small, comprised chiefly of the dance floor (which for the most part was home to moshing rather than dancing) and the bar. The bar was one open countered quarter of a small round room that seemed to be situated in just the wrong place, standing alone on the upper level (of the two levels; upper and ever-so-lightly-by-two-steps lower, the dance floor and a few benches being all that stood in the latter.) Around the edges of the club large, heavy benches stood, seated at which were many people of various ilk: sk8ers, goths, rockers, pot heads, geeks, babes, bikers and piss heads. All of them were very dimly lit except for the area behind the bar and were allowed little room to talk due to the racks of speakers either side of the small stage in front of the dance floor attempting to squeeze their musical muscle in between any words exchanged within the numerous cliques. At the moment, the musical muscle was presenting the club's denizens with some almost tuneful bars of the Bluetones, with most of the denizens feeling under duress. The DJ quickly replaced this with The Beautiful People, a good choice made obvious by the numbers flocking through the heat, cigarette smoke and ever-present odour of beer and sweat to the dance floor.
Watching the flock, stood by the bar, was Lunny. He had only just stepped into the coveted and ever elusive place of Right Next To The Bar and so wasn't worried, when he saw his friend Cobb, who also saw him, that he may miss his turn. Cobb came straight to him.
"S'up, bitch," said Lunny, back through the press of bar hopefuls.
"Not much, bitch," replied Cobb. "Seen Güdenschneiser?"
"Yeah, he's over there," said Lunny, poking his thumb in the direction of their normal place of seating behind the bar. "Pilly and Harlote are there as well."
"Oh, cool! I didn't know they were coming tonight. You comin' over?"
"Yeah, just getting a pint."
"Cool, see y'in a minute."
"Yeah." Cobb walked off in the direction Lunny had indicated. The barman closest finished at the till and raised his eyebrows at Lunny. "Pint of Fosters!" he screamed over the bar. The barman nodded and went about Lunny's request. As his eyes were aimlessly wandering behind the bar, he caught sight of Charlie at the other end of the bar. He was about to shout when he noticed his acquaintance's expression. He had a deadly serious look on his face and kept shaking his head and rocking quickly against his arms which were outstretched, holding on to the bar. So agitated as he was, he failed to notice that which Lunny did not: the quite wondrously looking goth to his left. She was wearing a black rubber.. outfit.. that fitted extremely well, showing off her in-excessively voluptuous figure. She had on just the right amount of makeup; enough to accentuate her eyes, cheeks and lips but not so much so as to make them overbearing on the rest of her face. All facial decorations were, of course, black, matching her hair, which reached nearly the full length of her back. Her legs were slender and unclothed and at the end of them she was wearing a pair of heeled shoes, again black. Another bar man came over to question her and Lunny saw her yell across the bar, but didn't hear. The bar man looked doubtfully at her and said something after which she laughed, showing off a smile so beautiful that Lunny shuddered.
"Now that is a nice piece of muff," said a voice next to Lunny. He turned to see his friend Jake.
"Uh.. yeah," said Lunny in a non-committal tone. He turned back to see Charlie walking off. The girl was still stood, watching without conviction the bar man pull her pint. Lunny's pint was then itself put on the bar in front of him and he handed the barman a tenner. "D'you know who she is?" said Lunny, turning again to Jake.
"Nah", said Jake, "but I saw her with Nastasya earlier."
"Hmm", mumbled Lunny, and after collecting his change walked off in Cobb and Güdenschneiser's direction leaving Jake waiting at the bar.
Güdenschneiser, Kaj and Cobb were all seated around a bench as Lunny approached them. Güdenschneiser and Kaj seemed to be having a heated discussion. Lunny sat down quietly.
"Look", said Kaj, "you can't argue with maths, and maths says that's what happens."
"Alright, I'm not arguing then, I'm just giving my opinion. I don't have to believe if I don't want to", said Güdenschneiser, coolly.
"Hah, you know I'm right", said Kaj with a smug smile.
"Yep, you're right. But I'm right as well."
"You're not right, you disagreed with me."
"No I didn't, I just said I was giving my opinion."
"Nope. I'm right."
"Think of it a different way", said Cobb, "each time you take away, what you're taking away gets less. When you get to infinity, you're not taking anything away. Seeing as the situation you started in was trying to get to zero and eventually you end up taking nothing away, how can you get to zero? You know, does it happen at nought point one, nought point naught, naught one?"
"Hmmm. Yeah, I can see it there." said Güdenschneiser.
"Hah! I told you I was right!" exclaimed Kaj.
"Oh shut up", said Güdenschneiser.
"Yeah, shut up Kaj", said Cobb. Kaj shut up. At that point, The King walked by the table.
"Hey Charlie" said Cobb. The King looked across briefly, as if the voice had come from nowhere. He nodded a hello and carried onward, shaking his head. Lunny, still attentively listening and closer to The King just barely heard him mumbling "louder, got to be louder, got to be louder."
"What a fuck up," said Cobb.
"What, like you're not?" said Kaj.
"Fuck your mum is what I do, not what I am," retorted Cobb. Lunny left the one-up match and wandered off in the direction of toilets. From that direction came Jake and headed toward the table.
"What you dudes up to?" he said to the sitters in general.
"We were just discussing the depth of Kaj's sister," said Cobb. Jake laughed.
"Shut the fuck up, bitch," said Kaj. Güdenschneiser, sitting ominously quiet, allowed a suspiciously smirk-like smile to cross his lips.
"Jake, what's up with Lunny?" asked Cobb, who'd noticed the unusual pensiveness of his friend.
"Dunno," Jake said, "he was checking out that new chick earlier."
"New chick?" asked Kaj.
"Yeah, Nastasya's friend," said Jake, looking around. After a moment he pointed quite indiscreetly. "There she is."
"Hot damn!" said Cobb.
"I think that's what Lunny thought."
"Oh no, he's in full infatuation mode then?" said Cobb.
"Yeah, probably," said Jake.