I'm your good buddy Mandrake and I've some more news about our great nation: Auztralia, and an update on the way our government is saving us from our enemies.

I haven't seen my manservant Lothar since the new terror laws went through parliament - so fast Labor and the Greens were still reading page two when everything became law.
I think he's hiding out somewhere in case the ASP (Auztralian Secret Police) are on his tail. He wants to watch out for ASP, they're not like the AFP or ASIO they're the real deal - shoot-to-kill guys. They're exactly what we need to cope with idiots like Lothar and those losers out at Macquarie Fields, and other ghettos of dole-bludging misfits.

Now I'm Sold On Terror Laws
For a time there Lothar almost had me doubting our government's motives in the War On Terror (he called it the War on Freedom). But after the London bombings I saw the danger. It could happen here. Not just somewhere else, but right bloody here buddy.

Now that I've realised the threat, and the fact that we have so many enemies, I'm right behind the Federal and State Governments (bless 'em). We're all united now, and willing to help kill our common enemies.

We Know Who Our Enemies Are
Now, thank's to our governments and the media, we know who our enemies are. They're people who don't think like us or pray like us. They're corrupt regimes with out of control military and religious elites, that are determined to build and use weapons of mass destruction. They're queue-jumpers who want to come here illegally and live off our wonderful country's welfare. Some of 'em are bloody toddlers and they're into our social security already. Last but not least, they're regimes and 'evil empires' that don't suck up to the Americans the way our governments do. We've got'em pegged alright.

And, by the way, it's easy to pick 'em out in a crowd, because most of 'em don't look like us either.

Apart from the 'evil empires' that don't think or pray like us, in the Middle East for example, there are people who are not like us living right here in Sydney. We've already seen how dangerous they might be, down at Maroubra, Cronulla, and Bondi beaches. But we helped our police sort 'em out. Too right we bloody did.

Of course, not all our enemies are from outside Auztralia. There are people born here who are a huge threat to our peace and security. These are the idiots who paint peace signs on the Opera House, demonstrate outside FTA meetings between the US and Auztralian governments, write letters to the editors of our newspapers about global warming, oppose the liberalisation of hunting rights on Crown land, want to stop the use of animals in scientific experiments, etc, etc. The list is a long one and, under the new terror laws all these dropkicks can be locked up without charge - until they come to their senses.

Sweeping Police Powers
Now that our governments have acted to protect us from our enemies the police have wide powers to deal with threats before they get started. This move was essential to our safety in a world full of shadowy terrorists and crazy fundamentalists who want to build WMDs and tell the world how it should think.

More And Meaner Police
And there are going to be many more police on the job, with exciting new technology such as electrical stun weapons - 55,000 volt shockers - and 24/7 satellite surveillance of all urban areas of Auztralia. And about time too. It's 'the American way' and we're catching up to our US buddies fast.

We're OZmericans Now
Our future lies in riding America's coat-tails to security and prosperity. We can thank the Liberal and National parties for tucking us safely under the wings of the American Eagle, while it flys around shitting on the peoples of the Middle East, North Korea, and wherever. We're all learning to line dance, and follow the Super Bowl (although we don't quite understand it yet). Our patriotic media give us all the US sporting results now; the baseball, the gridiron football, the basketball, all of it, 24/7 buddies.

Things are going well with the economy too, since the Liberals and the Nats teamed up with the Americans. There's lots more jobs, the media tells us, and we get to work on Christmas day and Labor day and all the public holidays. We can thank Tony Abbot for that.

Our economic gurus at the ANU (Auztralian National University), where one studies to become an OZfed, tell us the FTA with the US is a great idea. So we're glad to hear that, and we applaud Mark Vaile's efforts in negotiating it on our behalf.

Of course, our Prime Minister, John Howard (that's him above), was fully informed of the FTA negotiations and knew all about the benefits it would bring Auztralia. With great diligence he managed to keep informed of all Mark Vaile's efforts, while still keeping up with the cricket scores.

Oil-For-Food - And Kickbacks To Saddam
While he was busy with our US buddies' plans to invade Iran, and stop its terrifying moves to build nukes like the US has, John Howard couldn't keep up with everything else that was going on. Anyway, to cut a long story short, the guys at the AWB (Auztralian Wheat Board) got a little carried away and paid out $300 million in kickbacks to the evil regime of Saddam Hussein. You know, the guy who used to kill and torture Iraqi civilians. Well, now those deadbeats in the Auztralian Labor party are trying to pin the blame on innocent John Howard.

The AWB executives did this entirely on their own initiative, and in the full knowledge that the transactions breached the UN's guidelines and the stated policy of the Auztralian government. Thus, US and Canadian wheat growers missed out on the business with Iraq, because it was all stitched up by the crafty AWB guys.

The rotten sods! They've dishonoured Auztralia's good name and embarrassed the Foreign Affairs & Trade Minister, Alexander Downer. How could they do such a terrible thing? I mean bribing the Iraqis to sell Auztralian wheat is one thing, but getting caught takes the cake. Real Auztralian con men never get caught. Nobody can ever pin the rap on them, they're always in the clear. Someone else is always to blame, but never a true Auztralian con-man.

John Howard's In The Clear - He Knew Nothing!
Of course he didn't know anything about the AWB bribes, he's only the Prime Minister after all. Not a front line con man.

If Lothar was still here he'd probably say Howard should have known about other things that were going on, as well. But he didn't know. Once and for all (in anticipation of Lothar's objections), here's what John Howard didn't know.

• He didn't know about the AWB's payments to Saddam's regime within the oil-for-food arrangements of the UN. Not ever.

• He didn't know the claims that Saddam had chemical and biological weapons, ready to deploy at 45 minutes notice, were completely false. No he did not! And neither did Blair or Bush.

• He didn't know the documentation supporting the intelligence that Iraq was buying uranium from Niger was forged. Nor did ONA, ASIO or the DIO, even though the claim they were false was circulating freely on the Internet.

• He didn't know the 'children overboard' claim, just days before the 2001 federal election, was completely false. Nor, of course, did his Defence Minister know.

• He didn't know that there was, indeed, intelligence provided to the AFP regarding the passage of the unseaworthy "SIEV X" vessel - full of queue-jumpers and people who aren't like us - to Auztralia, that year. And that the 350 people who drowned could have easily been rescued by Auztralian ships. I mean, how would he know that? The AFP has nothing to do with cricket scores.

• He had no idea that DIMA were locking Auztralian citizens up in Baxter, or deporting them to the Philippines. He didn't know there were hundreds of cases of wrongful detention by DIMA. Nor did he know that the US contractor that ran the detention centres was failing to ensure the safety and well-being of hundreds of children held in such facilities. He did not ever hear of the allegations of sexual abuse that were swiftly buried by DIMA. Never. Not while Ponting was batting!

• He didn't know that the Minister for Resources in his government owned $2 million worth of coal shares, or that the Communications Minister, who was responsible for the regulation of the part-government owned Telstra corporation, held shares in it via a Family Trust arrangement.

And he really didn't know these things. That's the (official) truth, and don't let Lothar tell you anything different buddies.

I'll put him straight on all this stuff, if I ever see him again. But, I must admit, there's one thing that worries me a bit. If John Howard doesn't know a whole lot about the goings-on in Auztralian government, how will he be able to prevent local suicide bombers from blowing up the trains and buses we ride on? Like they did in London and Madrid.

Sometimes I wish Lothar was around so I could ask him things like that. The talk-back radio guys won't comment on it. They bloody well hang up in my ear when I try to discuss it with them. I heard one mutter something about 'ASP' and 'seven years jail'.

So I guess I'll just have to soldier on in the War on Terror and hope I'm all right. By the way, kangaroos, like those on our Auztralian Coat of Arms, are bloody good eating buddies. You must try some if you're still game to come and visit us down-under.

I'll keep you posted with more facts about our great nation Auztralia.

Mandrake, February 2006.

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